Ramblings 001: Vulnerabilities & Uncertainties


As with every blog I've ever started, I've hit a wall with what to post. Even though I decided at the beginning that I'd also want to use this space as a journal to update my small number of followers on what I've been going through — the highs, the lows and everything else in between — I've had a hard time writing about my well-being as it tends to leave me feeling vulnerable. It's easy for me to only want to show my highlight reel and hide everything else, such as the emotional rollercoaster I've been riding for months, or the headache I get whenever I think about moving back home. I decided it's time to put those thoughts out there. Mostly for myself: I hope I can look back on these ramblings at the end of the year and laugh at how my 'problems' resolved itself naturally over time. So here goes...

I have 11 days left in Los Angeles before I move back to Thailand indefinitely. When my job ended at the end of May, I was in denial of the huge transition I would soon be facing. Every time I thought about the challenges heading my way, I'd immediately think about something else. I tried to keep myself occupied by joining Classpass and working out almost every day (something new for me!). For a while, it worked. I could talk about the subject with other people without feeling a lump in my throat or tearing up. But as I'm nearing my time in L.A., the change is harder to ignore. I wanted to use this blog post to truly allow myself to feel what's going on inside my head.

To be clear, there are some positive emotions: excitement about a new chapter and relief that I'll be closer to family. I've lived away from home for 9 years now and the thought of going back, as scary as it is, also feels right in many ways. My parents are getting older and I don't want to miss anymore time with them. 

The negative emotions, unfortunately, usually trump the positive ones. I have gotten so used to being alone and having my independence (even small things like deciding what time to eat instead of my mom yelling from the dining room that dinner is ready). The most difficult thing to think about is also the loss of familiarity. I've been in L.A. for 5 years now. I have a nail place, a boxing studio, a hair salon, restaurants and coffeeshops that I frequent regularly. It's hard to say bye to those places and also the people behind them. Though these people aren't my friends, they're people who I see from time to time, people who have memorized my order and people whose smile I'll miss. 

Then there's my boyfriend who I've gotten so used to coming home to and waking up next to. It'll be hard not to have him physically with me/next to me for a while. (I'm intentionally keeping this paragraph short because I just put on a face full of makeup that I don't want to ruin with my tears.)

Anyway, so that's where I'm currently at. It's a been a bit of an emotional time — then again, when is it ever not with me?